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I am a forgiving person, a gentle soul I assure you, but I don’t think I can ever forgive Kirsti Baumgartner. A young man’s heart is a fragile thing, Kirsti, and when that young man buys you an iron-on from the snack bar and gives it to you during couples skate, you don’t just walk away without saying anything. And I damn sure won’t ever forgive Mr. Johnston the maintenance man, who had the boys’ bathroom locked that day when I crapped in my pants.
AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH! They’ve had all the abuse they’re going to take, and they’re plenty mad! You would be too if you spent the last two centuries being struck repeatedly by 16-pound balls, even if they do have fanciful colors and designs. Who can blame any of the participants of the Great Bowling Pin Revolution? Surely not I. I have taken part in knocking down more than my fair share of them.
Not long ago, I decided to watch a soccer game to see what all the fuss was about. You know what happened? Not much, that’s what. Guys ran back and forth for an hour, nobody scored, and then it ended. In a tie. What? A tie? Where do you think you’re going? Keep playing until somebody wins! I thought this was a sport, not Scrabble! Why couldn’t a nice pair of giant female legs have walked into that game, huh?
COUPLES SKATE! It is on. You tell me – is there anything hotter than a good-looking blonde, skating backwards while Foreigner’s “Double Vision” is pumping? Hell no there isn’t, and you’re wrong if you say there is. Just imagine the hotness coming off of a blonde skating backwards in this thing! Only problem: we’d need to find a second skate, as well as a sufficiently large blonde.
This little lady’s got the right idea. Frankly, I need one of those big ol’ sweatbands for when I’m rocking the Dance Dance Revolution. You should see the sweat I generate when rocking the DDR. It’s insane the amount of fluid that comes flying off of me. But it’s good times, you know? That’s how it is when you’ve got a mind to rhyme and two hype feet.
You know what my first thought was when I saw this? “Resident Evil would totally kick ass on this!” Yeah, but of course, then I realized the error of my thinking – there’s no way you could get Resident Evil to run on an Atari 2600. I don’t care who you are, that’s not gonna happen! I guess I would settle for “Combat.” Or “Air-Sea Battle.”
What’s the only thing better than a round of golf? A round of golf with clubs that don’t make any sense! Now you can spoil a good walk in big-time style.
I’ve always heard that Australian rules football is different from ours, but I had no idea just how different it is. Turns out they don’t use a regular football but a giant inflatable sandwich. Let me tell you, it changes the whole dynamic of the game! For one thing, you can’t just have a single quarterback, because it takes two people to hold the ball. And they have to have some extraordinary upper body strength in order to throw it.
It does make for a very exciting game, though, if only for the spectacular nature of sacks. That plus the end-zone dance is so visually stimulating, it is almost pornographic.
“Here’s to good friends … tonight is kinda special!” Nothing sets off good times among a bunch of guys like a frighteningly large butt plug, the kind designed for horse owners. Get some of your broughams together, pop open some Pabst BR’s, fire up the Widespread Panic channel on the satellite radio, and pass around the butt plug. It just doesn’t get any better than this.