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Holy crap! Look at this tuba. Who in their right mind would opt to learn such an instrument? “Timmy, what band instrument would you like to learn to play?” “Well, mom, I think I want to play the tuba – but not just any tuba, a tuba that will give me debilitating back pain by the time I’m 20. Pleeeeeze, mom?“
Here we have Doctor Sparkles, performing in front of a freakishly large ukulele. And it appears to be on fire. And by “on fire,” I don’t mean in the conventional sense in which that phrase is frequently used in describing the ukulele – you know, “Man, that ukulele solo is on fire! Smokin’ hot!” No, I mean that there literally appear to be flames on it. Cardboard flames, from the looks of things, but you know, you can never be too careful with a ukulele.
I used to have a pair of headphones just like this. They’re great, most of the time. But you need to be careful not to use the noise-cancellation feature, because the second you turn that sucker on, it’s like VVVVRRRRRROOOOOMMMMM!!! you’re on a runway and an airplane is taking off right next to you. The ringing in your ears is just unacceptable, and lasts for days. But you know what sounds badder than hell in these things? Bon Jovi, that’s what! Because I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride – with giant headphones on my head!
Why do I love this so much? Because it’s bad-ass is why! I would totally put this sucker in my truck, then I’d be ready to roll. Do you like Def Leppard? I sure hope so, because I’m gonna be cranking “High and Dry” once I get this thing in the truck! Rock of ages, ya’all!
Hey, look, it’s that big old piano, like the one in the movie “Big!” Remember that? Man, that movie rocked! Remember when he looked in his pants for the first time? Or what about when he used all that dental floss? So funny!
You know what else is a great movie? “Mannequin.” Kim Cattrall was so hot in that. And that Starship song … that absolutely kicked all the ass!
Oh, and also – hello ladies!
“Tiptoe / through the tulips / through the something-something / with you” … Oh baby baby, it’s a giant ukulele! Who in their right mind would buy a ukulele this large? Not me, but then I’m not convinced I want a uke of the more typical size. You see, I have very long fingers. Good for rock guitar, not so good for ukulele or mandolin. But hey, you know what they say about guys with big fingers, don’t you? Hell yeah you do! We gotta buy big gloves.
Holy crap. Two for the price of one! You had us at “giant sunglasses” … but then you picked up the giant microphone and started to sing. I look at this photo and I can only begin to imagine what song she burst into after the camera’s flash faded … I’ve got ten bucks says it was “Me and Bobby McGee.” You totally rule, Giant Sunglasses and Microphone Girl!
Man, if I only I had been there to capture this one myself … I would have totally torn this place up with my sick breakdancing moves! You see, I’m a long-time scholar of the Great Duology of Breakdancing Films – “Breakin'” and “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo” – having spent the better part of two years painstakingly deconstructing every move made within them. I’d be going up to every chump at this place and totally saying, “Hey, if I give you a dollar, would you go buy yourself some game?” And they’d be totally faced. Freakshow on the dance floor, ya’all!
Let’s all square dance! Places all, bow to your corner, bow to your own! Just imagine the square dance you could call if you had this banjo – if you could properly play it, that is! Large musical instruments provide challenges all their own, like arm length and finger positioning. Plus, your back might hurt after a while playing this. But chiefly, this is a lesson in manners and courtesy, because this banjo is blocking the door and that’s just plain rude.