Comically Large Things now has its own domain … visit us today at www.comicallylargethings.com! Update your bookmarks, fellow babies!
Look at this water spigot! Outrageous! Far too big! Serves no practical purpose! AMIRITE PEOPLE! DROPS MICROPHONE WALKS OFF STAGE
Helllloooo ladies! Can I buy you a drink? How about thirty? Because you’ve got to have a powerful thirst in order to make the most of this mug. Me, I’d want to fill this sucker up with chamomile tea, make myself a nice hot bubble bath, and put on some Dido. And hope to God that I don’t drop the mug on my naked body.
Look at the expression on this woman’s face. Is it shock? Horror? Delight? Irony? A devastating amalgam of all of the above? Well, just consider how you would feel if confronted with such a fork and spoon. What are you supposed to make of it? Is God taunting you, using simple constructs of wood to remind you just how small and insignificant you are? Is it a harbinger of human evolution, an invitation to gigantism? Or is it just an interesting decorating ethic?
Also, hello ladies!
What the heck is going on here? People are just leaving their utensils laying around outside now? This is rude no matter your size or stature; but when you’re a Bunyanesque giant, it’s especially rude for you to be leaving your spoons laying around! Somebody is going to trip over this, and then who will be laughing? Huh!?!? And please, who leaves the cherry behind? Everybody knows you eat that first.
Hellllloooo ladies! This delightful young lady has an enormous spoon. And it appears to have some sort of golden varnish on it – a patina of warmth and shine that radiates a happiness not normally associated with spoons, no matter their size. The golden finish scares me a bit, though, from a health standpoint – particularly if you’re going to introduce this spoon to high temperatures, say, by stirring soup. But whatever – they wouldn’t sell this if it wasn’t safe to use, would they?
This looks like a nice hippo. If I had him for my very own, I’d name him Dieter von Crabapple III. Isn’t that a nice name? I bet he’s a friendly hippo. And look at the size of the spoon he’s holding! That tells me that Dieter is a good cook. Have you ever had a giant blue hippo make dinner for you? I haven’t either, but I’ll bet it’s an amazing experience.
This is a big ol’ wooden spoon. Granny would use this to stir the hell out of some chili. Oh, no, wait, no she wouldn’t – because this young lady has been putting it on her head! Young lady, don’t you realize how many germs and bugs are crawling around on the average scalp? A lot, let me tell you, and Granny doesn’t want your hair-bugs in her chili. To this spoon, I say “Thanks but no thanks!”
I used to have a pair of headphones just like this. They’re great, most of the time. But you need to be careful not to use the noise-cancellation feature, because the second you turn that sucker on, it’s like VVVVRRRRRROOOOOMMMMM!!! you’re on a runway and an airplane is taking off right next to you. The ringing in your ears is just unacceptable, and lasts for days. But you know what sounds badder than hell in these things? Bon Jovi, that’s what! Because I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride – with giant headphones on my head!
Why do I love this so much? Because it’s bad-ass is why! I would totally put this sucker in my truck, then I’d be ready to roll. Do you like Def Leppard? I sure hope so, because I’m gonna be cranking “High and Dry” once I get this thing in the truck! Rock of ages, ya’all!