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January 22, 2008. Animals, Appliances, Books, Checks, Divine hammer, Food, Hands, Hats, Musical instruments, Noses, Office supplies, Pencils, People, Rear ends, Robots, Shoes, Sports, Toys, Vehicles, Watches. Leave a comment.

Giant bird thing, perched and waiting to attack!

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Look, right there, do you see it? No, not the sign, just to the left of it. No, no, that’s too far. No, I mean the big black thing with the yellow beak … YES! That’s it! It’s some kind of humongous bird-creature, and it’s hunched itself down right beside the highway. God help the driver of the first vehicle it thinks is a piece of millet! Or a fish, I suppose. Birds eat fish, don’t they?

January 4, 2008. Animals. 2 comments.

Giant horse, trying to abscond with some nice people!

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Mall owners need to be more diligent about the kinds of things they allow within their space. Look at this irresponsibility, for instance – a scientifically impossible horse, trying to make off with a nice family of shoppers! Somebody is going to lose their job in front of this, I tell you.

January 4, 2008. Animals, Divine hammer, Toys. 3 comments.

Giant fish, with girls!

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HELLLLOOOOO LADIES! Nice looking fish you’ve got there. Mind if I fry it and dunk it in a whole mess of cocktail sauce, then eat it? No? Why, thank you! I love me some fried fish. Add some onion rings, and you’ve got happiness on a plate. You already know it!

December 19, 2007. Animals, Food. Leave a comment.

Giant stuffed dog, attacking girl!

I hate to get all political, but this is yet another instance of the dangers of cut-rate, imported toys. Here we see a stuffed animal – a nice little doggy, yes? – attacking a young girl who was foolhardy enough to cuddle with it. Mercury is great for thermometers, people, but it’s not good for the water supply. Watch what you’re doing, and check the labels on the toys you’re buying!

November 30, 2007. Animals, People, Toys. 3 comments.

Giant newspaper!

Advertising has changed drastically over the past five years; media buyers are looking to staunch the bleeding caused by viewers skipping ads with their TiVos and downloading ad-free media from an unimaginable wealth of sources. The conventional advertising model indeed appears to be broken; the solution, clearly, is to make the advertising venues bigger.

It was in response to this need that the estimable Dr. Hereford von Schnittke entered his top-secret laboratory in Belgium, armed with an untold number of chemical compounds and the arcane knowledge of the centuries. He emerged months later, a victorious smile upon his face – he had created the monster newspaper, a hybrid of publishing vehicle and blood-drenched hellspawn. Customers would no longer be able to avoid advertisements – oh, no, they would not! Dr. von Schnittke had quite seen to that.

Oh, and, yes – helllllloooo ladies!

November 21, 2007. Animals, Books, Office supplies. 1 comment.

Giant bird!

Every time you microwave something you shouldn’t, the seals on your oven break down a little. And every time the seals break down a little, a little more radiation gets released into the environment. And every time a little more radiation gets released into the environment, we all get one step closer to Bird Apocalypse. Like what you see? No? Then learn to use the damn microwave properly.

November 20, 2007. Animals, Divine hammer. 1 comment.

Giant fish head!

Holy crap … or should I say, holy carp! But of course, I don’t know whether that’s a carp or not, so that particular pun may be ill-timed. I don’t know my fish, can’t really tell the different varieties apart. But I know what I like, and I know I like it when those suckers are breaded and fried and put on a plate in front of me! Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn! You totally know what I’m talking about. Cocktail sauce.

November 19, 2007. Animals, Food. 2 comments.

Giant spoon, with hippo!

This looks like a nice hippo. If I had him for my very own, I’d name him Dieter von Crabapple III. Isn’t that a nice name? I bet he’s a friendly hippo. And look at the size of the spoon he’s holding! That tells me that Dieter is a good cook. Have you ever had a giant blue hippo make dinner for you? I haven’t either, but I’ll bet it’s an amazing experience.

November 6, 2007. Animals, Appliances, Food. 1 comment.

Giant lobster!

The lobster is a truly delicious creature, but generally speaking it’s tough to recommend from a cost/benefit standpoint – the flavor is there, but often the value proposition simply isn’t, once you factor in the price-per-pound and the fact that most of the creature is inedible. All of that goes out the window when you’ve got a lobster this big, because the freakin’ claw on this thing would be extraordinary! I would fill my sink up with clarified butter and dunk that sumbitch in it! Then I’d eat it!

November 2, 2007. Animals, Food. 1 comment.

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