Look, right there, do you see it? No, not the sign, just to the left of it. No, no, that’s too far. No, I mean the big black thing with the yellow beak … YES! That’s it! It’s some kind of humongous bird-creature, and it’s hunched itself down right beside the highway. God help the driver of the first vehicle it thinks is a piece of millet! Or a fish, I suppose. Birds eat fish, don’t they?

Hey look, it’s a giant library card! Woo-hoo! This means you can finally reserve and take home your copy of Johnny McBiggington’s Big Stuff and Large Things and Whatnot Etcetera! Now, if only they had the foresight to purchase a sufficiently large barcode scanner. Curses! Foiled again!

Mall owners need to be more diligent about the kinds of things they allow within their space. Look at this irresponsibility, for instance – a scientifically impossible horse, trying to make off with a nice family of shoppers! Somebody is going to lose their job in front of this, I tell you.

This lady has one of those giant twisty cookie things. I forget what they’re called. But man, that looks good. She doesn’t seem convinced, though – judging by her expression, she was hoping for something other than a giant twisty cookie. But who can speak to what fortune holds? Life consists of taking things in stride, be they blessing, curse or giant cookie.

Lady, look out! There’s an abnormally large hand reaching for you! Drop the bottled water and run!

Let this be a lesson to all of you, kids: You need to pay better attention to your surroundings. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the minutiae of day-to-day affairs, noses to the grindstone and blinders engaged and blocking out the larger view of the world. But what do you lose when you pour yourself into your tunnel vision? You lose the big picture. You lose a global perspective. And you lose the sense of initiative that comes from knowing a giant hand is about to squeeze the bejeezus out of you.

HELLLLOOOOO LADIES! Nice looking fish you’ve got there. Mind if I fry it and dunk it in a whole mess of cocktail sauce, then eat it? No? Why, thank you! I love me some fried fish. Add some onion rings, and you’ve got happiness on a plate. You already know it!

Man, I love noodles. One of life’s sublime pleasures, truly, whether doused in marinara or gently kissed with soy. Hey, wait a minute, you don’t rinse your noodles after cooking them, do you? You better not! You rinse my noodles and I’m never speaking to you again! Rinsing freshly cooked noodles washes away the crucial starches which allow your chosen sauce to adhere to the noodly surface. Don’t rinse them! (Not like you have a sink big enough to rinse the noodles that are going in this bowl anyway, am I right? I mean, come on, people, am I right?)

Umm … uh … well, okay.

Man, I love meatballs. Think about it – they represent two of life’s most wonderful things. Meat. Balls. Meat is delicious and nutritious – that’s protein, Holmes! And balls are fun to play with – like them bouncy superballs you sometimes get out of vending machines! Those are the best. But anyway, yeah, meatballs. And this one’s huge. I’d eat this with a bucket full of penne, you know.